I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I need a beard to bite.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
