I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
