They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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