I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
