Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
