from now on my penis is your penis
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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