She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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