He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
