You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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