I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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