Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
