you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
