all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
