guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
