he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I touched a dick in church today
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
