I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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