Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
