she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
