Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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