my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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