I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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