I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
