I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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