Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
