fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
