The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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