nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
