Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
