I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
