I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
