final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
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