this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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