What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
