Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
