hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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