I think im going to throw up on grandma
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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