i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
