He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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