In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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