its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
