she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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