The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
