Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
