i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
