Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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