I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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