Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
