I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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