Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
