I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
