Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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