I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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