why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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