wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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