??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
