It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
