just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
