Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
